I am writing out of confusion and hope. Worry and pain. Love and support. Trust and Faith. I am writing because I don't know any other way to express my feelings. Life is confusing right now. I am thinking back to the day before we found out my mom was sick, and thinking now about how much has changed. When going about my daily life I think of the "normal-ness" to it all, and how that hasn't changed, but then I think of the relationships I have with my family and how much has changed. I am still attending school, going to work and living in Seattle, but the normal-ness of my life is gone. I have the constant worry that the doctors will tell us bad news, I have the constant hope that my mom will progressively get better and that this will all go away, and I have the constant knowledge that the love that has been coming our way is beautiful and real. But this doesn't always help. I still feel uneasy, I still cry at random thoughts and I still feel numb.
Cancer is ugly. Cancer is painful. Cancer is invisible. Cancer does shocking things. Cancer is consuming my family.
My mother is a fighter. I hope to one day grow up and be just like her (minus the cancer part!) Until you actually see it, you don't completely understand the strength my mom has. I remember sitting in the hospital waiting room being told by the brain surgeon that we should be very proud of my mom because she was a trooper in the OR. At the time I didn't understand the magnitude of what she accomplished but in the following days I learned of her strength and courage. She later told me, "I don't feel strong and I don't feel important. I didn't do anything spectacular, I just did what the doctors asked" But by doing so, she became "brain tumor free" and that is all we could have asked from her.
Each day I look at my mother and I think of her beauty. I think of her loyalty and love. I think of all the times she has picked me up when I have fallen, and all of the times she told me to stop being dumb and get over it... and only once in a while was she right ;) My mom is doing what she needs to do to get better. When you look at the machines she has to sit in, the holes that are put into her head, the tests after tests after tests that are run over her body, you would think "wow that would suck, I can't even imagine" and although it totally and completely does, my mom looks at is as just another daily activity on her way to recovery. These are the steps that we MUST take, there are no "ifs" "ands" or "buts" about it, it just simply is.
Yet life continues to move. It has already been three weeks since mom has been in Seattle, and although some days blend more than others, I continue to move on. I go to school, I go to work, I clean my house (sometimes), I do my homework, I see my boyfriend, I talk with friends, I facebook, I email, I talk or text on the phone (to much), and I continue to live. I love my family, I constantly check up, I hope, pray and wish. It is unbelievable the emotions you develop when dealing with cancer, but also the emotions that DON'T appear when you think they should. Life is complicated, it is ugly and it is beautiful. I will continue to work, play and love, I will continue to smile and cry. I will love my family forever.
Until I see them again,
I will continue to write my papers for finals week-- yuck, yuck, yuck.
